


Monsters and Love

by DarkFlowerDreaming



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Gen, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:06:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkFlowerDreaming/pseuds/DarkFlowerDreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki does not fall from the Bifrost but is saved. He struggles with his, perceived, loose punishment and can't deal with his family's continued love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Marvel. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
> 
>  
> 
> Post-Thor!AU. Contains attempted suicide. 
> 
> Odin is actually not a total dick here, as I'm trying to cope with the feels I have for Loki's and his relationship. 
> 
> Beta'd by Batsutousai.

‘No, Loki.’ 

After everything I had accomplished, everything I had planned to do to please him, those were the only words he had for me when I hung from the sceptre, dangling helplessly above the vastness of the void. 

Those two small words and the regret evident in his one eye broke down what little resistance I had left, tore apart any small hope I had had of making him proud. After all, I had just finished what my bro- no, what Thor had started. Right?

 

The realisation that in my attempts to follow Asgardian doctrine I had sunken as low as my victims, my 'race', only hit me much later. I had repeated Thor's mistake thousand fold, proving to everyone how worthless and weak I was, no matter if they knew of my heritage or not. I was nothing, everything I took for granted, everything I achieved through persistence and hard work was gone; my status, my life. My family.

 

After I was let down by the one I had called father for so long, I had no will to fight anymore. I felt empty when Thor and I had finally been lifted onto the remains of the Rainbow Bridge. No words left my lips as I stood a little to the side, blind and numb to my surroundings; I had none left. 

I faintly recall Thor and Odin talking quietly, about what I couldn't tell. After a while Frigga (Mother?), who had arrived from the castle, tried to embrace me. I think she asked whether I was alright. I can't remember. 

Finally some guards came. The Allfather ordered them to bring me to my chambers. I followed them without resistance; I had no reason to disobey. I had no reason to live.

 

I had been sure of a much harsher punishment. The council, while being wary of me because of my way of action, acknowledged my elimination of the Frost Giant threat. Hence, at least on that account, I was not punished. 

Defending myself against Heimdall's attack, which had been an act of treason, despite his intentions for the realm, was being gratuitously overlooked in both our favours. 

Now, the fact that I had sent the destroyer to Midgard and attacked Thor, let Laufey and some of his minions into Odin's chamber, even though I killed them, and my following fight with Thor which caused the destruction of the Bifrost, were another matter entirely. 

I was sentenced to stay within my chambers, stripped of my magic and rank. That was nothing compared to the humiliation of the trial and the following walk to my rooms. I was spit at and cursed, people I had been friendly with turned away in disgust - at my treason, but even more because my heritage had been made public. 

Still, through all that, all I could think was, 'Why am I alive? I am a monster! I am worthless. Why do they let me live?' 

The reason was simple but so far from my mind: 

They still loved me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some actual interaction!

I was mostly left alone for the following months. Occasionally Thor or Frigga would visit, try to initiate some conversation or tell me about what happened around the realm, but I wouldn't respond. What use could my words have? Why would they listen to a monster? Why did they put up with me at all? They even tried to reassure me that they loved me! 

Twice, the Allfather came. He told me about the scale of the destruction of Jotunheim, of how the few Frost Giants left were trying to survive on what little remained of their realm. I tried to block out his words, but I couldn't. Instead, I pictured everything in my head, vividly, in excruciating detail even. Three times I had seen the realm, but it seemed like its image was burned into my mind. 

Odin, like Thor and Frigga, tried to get me to talk, but no word left my lips, although there were many inside me. So he left after a while. I hadn't dared to look up once. 

The second time he came, he told me about the Jotnar again. This time, however, it was not of the present he spoke, but the past, before they had been conquered by Asgard. 

He told me of their culture as he had experienced it on his previous visits, their traditions and ideals, the way they would treat their family and friends, how their society was organised, and much more. 

While his previous visit held pain, this was pure torture. Not only did I now know that I killed many innocents who had just followed their commands, but also I saw that my victims, my people, were not monsters, savages, but decidedly, in many ways, like the Aesir I had tried to please with my actions. 

I could not take it anymore. The emotions I had bottled up inside me, the self-hate, depression and feelings of worthlessness, paired with my fear of a greater punishment by the Allfather, were colliding with the pain of realising the exact scale of my crimes and it all broke out of me. I did not even care that Odin was seeing me like this, a crying, sobbing heap on the sofa I had curled up on. 

After some minutes had passed, I heard the faint rustle of clothes over my sobs. It stopped for a moment, only to resume and get louder. Apparently Odin had stood up from his chair and was approaching me. When I felt his presence next to me I tried to make myself smaller, to curl up on myself even more. Again, the rustling stopped momentarily, as if Odin was hesitating, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder. I flinched away and the hand disappeared, only to come back, his touch not as tentative as the first time but more assured now, almost _caring_. 

Despite my fear I could not help but to lean into this small touch, although it confused me to no end. The Allfather had never been one for physical contact of any sort, and especially since Thor and I had been children. This was new. What was I supposed to do? What was he doing? Did he want to comfort me? Why would he? He had no reason to! 

Still, he did not draw his hand away. Instead, he knelt down beside me on the floor. My thoughts were racing. I did not know how to react, so I just stayed where I was, frozen in fear and confusion. 

Then, after a long silence, Odin said the last words I expected to hear from him, “I am sorry, my son.” 

I don’t know what happened after that. The weight of my emotions had taken their toll on me and I fell unconscious.


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up I was lying on my bed, the furs and covers spread over me. A quick glance around the room and a check with the little magic that had not been restricted to stop me from escaping, told me that I was alone. 

It took me a while to remember what had happened. But when realisation hit, it once again confused me what Odin had done. 

I just could not understand why he had called me his son, or why he had apologised to me. It should have been the other way around! 

Darkness had fallen while I had been lost in these thoughts, and eventually I cried myself to sleep over my pain, as I had done countless times since the beginning of my imprisonment. 

When I woke this time, it was well into morning already and a servant had brought me breakfast without waking me. Although I had not eaten for several hours I was not hungry at all.

 

I did not know what to do. Even before Odin's visits I had spent my time pondering my life and my choices, wondering why I, a monster, had been allowed to live after I had done something so dreadful. 

But now, after hearing and realising the whole scope of my crime, I knew what I had to do. I did not know why I had been spared, but I did know that I did not deserve it. If the Aesir would not rid the realms of the monster that I was, then I had to. 

As much as I loved my _family_ , I knew that it could not be true that they held the same feelings for me. I was unworthy of the loved ones I had betrayed. It was ironic. But it was the truth. 

I formulated a plan how I could best end my life without interference. Thinking and planning had always been my forte, after all. 

It took me the rest of the day, which thankfully was only interrupted by the servants bringing me food. I knew my options where limited. My weapons had been confiscated, my magic largely sealed. The windows had been equipped with force fields preventing me from leaving through them. 

In the end, however, I found a way nobody had thought about, apparently: the ingredients of my various potions and salves. They had not been taken from me. There was more than enough to make a deadly concoction. 

During the afternoon, when I could be sure nobody would visit me due to court matters being discussed, I set to work. I disguised the ingredients with magic so Heimdall would not foil my plan. It proved surprisingly simple. 

Once I was done, I only had to wait for an opportunity when nobody would have time discover me before the potion had unfolded its whole power. 

I was dead set on this. It had to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for that dreadful pun at the end.


	4. Chapter 4

After I had been brought dinner, which I ate as to not arouse too much suspicion, Thor came. He knew of Odin's last visit and tried to talk to me about what happened. He also talked about both the things that occurred during my short reign and afterwards. 

His speech was not very refined, but it felt like he meant it when he tried to assure me of their love for me and that they were trying to understand me. I wondered how he managed to become such a good liar in that short time. He certainly had had no knack for it before. 

After a while I feigned tiredness and politely asked him to leave so I could brew a sleeping potion to hold nightmares at bay. That I often suffered from those was no secret. It was the perfect decoy. 

After Thor had left, giving me an awkward hug on his way out, I set both potions on my bedside table. Luckily, both had no labels and were of the same colour, which only helped disguising what I was about to do. 

I pretended to drink the one I had made after Thor's visit, but I just made it disappear instead of actually drinking it. Afterwards I drank the deadly one. Funnily, I thought that bringing myself to do it should have been more difficult. 

But I was determined. The monster had to be destroyed. This time I would not fail. 

How wrong I was, like so often before. 

 

I lay down in my bed. The poison was very slow working, it was the best I could do with my limited options, but it had to do. 

The waiting was tedious but I didn't try to sleep. The agony when the concoction would unfold its whole might would wake me up again anyways. I just had to hope Heimdall would not turn his gaze on me when I was writhing in pain and alert somebody. 

I did not fear the pain. I deserved no better. 

Much of the time until the potion kicked in I spent with contemplating my life - again. I decided that I had been relatively happy before Odin had decided to crown Thor his successor. Of course, I had been bullied and ridiculed sometimes, often by Thor and his friends. But looking back now, strangely enough, I found that, while I had not exactly forgiven everything, I held no contempt for them and their actions anymore. Without their knowledge they had tortured a monster. That was just, right? No real crime there. Just what I deserved. The relic without a purpose. The Frost Giant runt. The monster.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, I had this chapter done for 2 months now, but with uni and my job I completely forgot about it. x_X

A few hours after dusk the poison had finally finished its course through my body. Now the pain began. It was excruciating, as if somebody had set fire to my blood. My whole body felt like it was burning.

Ironically adequate: Torch the Frost Giant.

I was thrashing on my bed, unable to control my movements. I hoped Heimdall was not watching. My plan could still be foiled.

No one came, however, and eventually the pain stopped, leaving me numb. Soon it would be over. My organs would fail one after another, it was only matter of time until I had rid the world of the taint I had left upon it. Soon the monster would be gone. A weak smile graced my lips as exhaustion finally claimed me. Hel would have another resident in a very short time.

Or so I thought.

 

When I woke up, instead of seeing the cold wastes of the realm of the dead, I was vaguely aware of a warm golden glow surrounding me.After a while my vision cleared a bit and I could make out the ceiling of what I recognised as the upper healing room of the palace. For a short moment, only one question burned clearly in my still fogged mind: Why? Then my body again succumbed to the strain I had put upon it and I fell unconscious.

 

The next time I woke up, some of my strength had returned and I could move a little. I managed to look around, but found that I was alone. Apparently I was in a side room, considering that main upper healing room usually was quite busy.

Again the question of why I had been saved nagged my mind, alongside questions concerning who and how. Had Heimdall seen me and alerted Thor or mother? Had a servant found me? How did they figure out what I had taken and managed to counter it fast enough to save me?

My mind raced, but I could not find any suitable explanation. Not wanting to draw any attention to myself, I did not call out for someone. For some reason, I felt strangely empty because no one was with me, but I could not figure out why.

Still exhausted, I eventually fell asleep again. 

 

“How is... so glad Thor... if he had not... almost too late...” Snippets of speech wormed their way into my head.

“... a potion, how could... more attention... devastated...” It sounded like a woman’s voice. I knew it from somewhere.

“...was a close call. Only a few minutes later... Thank the Norns the prince went...” I began to understand more of the words. Another voice this time, again female, but unknown to me.

“I do not want to think about what could have... so happy he is alive.” The first voice again, so familiar it was almost painful that I could not recognize it. There were heavy footsteps drawing near, but they stopped quite away from me.

“Heimdall should have noticed it. He has been reprimanded. Healer, how is our son?” A male voice this time. Who... Odin. Odin and Frigga, talking to one of the healing room’s staff. But, about whom? Their son? But, from what I had understood, Thor had been the one to find the subject of their worries... Certainly... they were not talking about me?

No, no they couldn’t be. I’m not their son, I’m not– I– I’m a... a monster!

I tried to suppress a whimper, but failed, alerting them to my waking. I still hadn’t dared to open my eyes, but I heard rushed footsteps and the rustling of clothes.

“Loki, my dear, dear boy.” Frigga’s voice sounded strained. Before they could reach me, I turned my back to them and curled into a ball, not wanting, not being able to look at them. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, only lightly touching me. “Loki, what’s wrong? Why did you do this? Please answer me!” Now she sounded almost desperate, and the sorrow in her words was rather apparent. By now, Odin had circled around the bed and was standing before me. I curled up even more, wanting to vanish, to die, anything to not have to face them. Yet he did not say anything, just mirrored his wife’s movement and put his hand on my arm, close to hers, but much heavier. I didn’t understand. Why were they kind to me, why did they seem concerned? Why had they not let me die?

As if hearing my thoughts, the Allfather finally spoke. “My son–” I flinched at this, which seemed to startle him, “Loki, please, look at us. We mean you no harm. You have done great wrongs, but you do not deserve death.”

“Please, my dear, say something,” Mo-Frigga pleaded, carding her fingers through my hair. “We still love you, we always did and we always will. Why can you not see it?” They had to be lying. I desperately wanted it to be the truth, but how could I believe that? Instead of responding, I remained curled up like I was, hot tears streaming down my face. “My poor little one, please talk to us. Why did you try to...? Oh Loki,” Frigga continued to sob.

It crushed the remaining shards of my broken heart. “I... I... do not deserve to live,” I croaked, my voice rough from disuse and the strain from the last hours. “You know what I did, what I am!” The last word I spat out, filled it with my self-loathing and anger. “I am a _monster_!”

**Author's Note:**

> Multichapter, but I'm not entirely sure how this will end. Will post more when I get inspiration for more.


End file.
